Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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