I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
