she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
