I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
