The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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