I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
