One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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