I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
