I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
