Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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