I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
