he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
