So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
