If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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