I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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