Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
