The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize