I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
