her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
