the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
