oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
