it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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