I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
