I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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