I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
