Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize