i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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