I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
