Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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