If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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