You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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