Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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