Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
