I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
