my mouth tastes like poor choices
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
