I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
