So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
