so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
