I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
