just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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