My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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