Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
