Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize