Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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