Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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