He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
