FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
