If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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