I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
