Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
