He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
