my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
