I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
