I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
