we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
there is glitter all over my balls
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
