You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We had sex on a dog bed..
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
