hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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