the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Randomize
