I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
