Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
