Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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