20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Be still, my beating vagina.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
