theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
