so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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