Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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