i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
