Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
