I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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